So Chic, Very Chic: Miami Vices

This is So Chic, Very Chic, PAPER’s examination of Bravo’s sprawling cohort of fashion obsessives. From haute couture to TJ Maxx, they’ve literally worn it all. Sometimes they stunt, sometimes they turn the look, and sometimes they burn holes in retinas my ophthalmologist says might never heal.

Normally, I’d wax poetic about some innocuous experience I had in my everyday life, tying it back in some convoluted way to a theme I picked out from this week’s Bravo programming. It hopefully makes my editor Andrew smile, because I write these things for him mostly, and then I slip the knife of my many insults in over the following 1500 words.

Let’s skip all that, because it’s summer vacation, and I spent most of yesterday on a beach with my indescribably hot boyfriend listening to the waves lap at the fleeting time we have together. When the tides had washed away the memory, we rode bikes along the shore and drank Aperol Spritzes under the waning light of June. We smoked a joint on the way back to the ferry, buzzed and full of love for every single moment.

He’s in the shower now while I type this all out. I better get going, as should you. Summer’s only here for a moment; let’s spend as little of it indoors as we can afford.

The Real Housewives of Miami

Marysol Patton

Marysol here is often the bridesmaid, never the bride, in these recaps. Trailing in Alexia’s shadow can often have unintended consequences, like fashion critics overlooking your contributions to the fashion lexicon of The Real Housewives, or fashion editors putting your looks fourth or fifth in the slideshow.

Thankfully, in the absence of interesting clothes worn by Alexia, Marysol emerges in black like Lady Gothica, mistress of the night, first of the recap. There’s an old Hollywood glamour she grasps at here, barely grazed, yet ever in sight. I quite like the off-the-shoulder dress with this too-big Chanel cuff, or the way that necklace works like a collar in the first look. The braided extensions there also make me laugh, because she simply does not have enough hair, and so it reads like one of Blair Waldorf’s headbands instead.

One more thing: a one-shoulder dress or top is the correct moment to deploy those waterfall earrings you picked up last time you were in Milan with the husband. Kudos.

Lisa Hochstein

Here Lisa goes again with the Jean Paul Gaultier tops! She’s just like Teresa Giudice in that way, or Larsa Pippen, or Phaedra Parks, or Toya Bush-Harris. Actually, she’s just like every other Real Housewife who’s ever existed, save for Lisa Vanderpump, who’s not in mesh but silk — sort of an entirely different thing that’s also exactly the same, if you think about it for a moment.

Larsa Pippen

The back to back of these two images keeps making me laugh for no particular reason. Larsa’s one of Phillip Plein’s angels, really, and she wants us to know it. Doesn’t mean she won’t cause a big fuss at his fashion show at some fast-casual eatery, but at least she showed up with a selfie light at all.

As for the actual outfit, I never have anything nice to say about her commitment to corseted vests and white pants. My kindergarten teacher taught me that if I didn’t have anything nice to say, I should instead pull out a gun and fire a clip into the ceiling, just to let everyone around me know I held my tongue but could unleash if I really felt like it. So I’ll leave her with a compliment instead: Her tanning artist did a really good job making sure none of it would run off on her closet full of white corseted vests and pants.

Julia and Kiki

I was deeply moved by the pairing of these two outfits together at the big dinner scene. They look like rival frenemies at the children’s dance recital benefit gala raising money for the Miami Institute for Ideas, which tasks children with dreaming up design schematics for various new public works, like a bitcoin powered monorail or jetski taxis in the condo district when the water level rises again.

Jokes aside, Julia’s glam has gotten out of control this season, while Kiki’s has become noticeably subdued. And why the high neckline on this gorgeous maroon dress? Please, Kiki, I’m begging you!

The Valley

Some Lady

I’m not even attempting humor here: I legitimately forgot this lady’s name. Instead of looking it up on the internet, I’m leaving it out for symbolic purposes. Here lies some lady and her balayage and little brown dress. She’s on a show I watch called The Valley. Look on and weep.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta

Kelli Ferrell

Kelli’s having a tough go of it this season, always in too-small clothing while shackled to that emotional terrorist Brit Eady. There’s a funny narrative told between her two big fashion moments in this episode: the girlish simplicity of her sparkling white ensemble for her Williams-Sonoma cooking class, and the out-loud and proud raunchiness of her black romper at Phaedra’s faux-fashion show. It’s like Toddlers and Tiaras: The After-Years, when they have child support payments to chase down and a complicated relationship with their childhood wardrobe.

Phaedra Parks

Phaedra’s never looked funnier, not on this show or the others she leapfrogged around while in exile. This outfit is, without a doubt, one of the stupider articles of clothing she could have chosen for the confessional, matching neither the budget of this cast or the tone of this franchise, Maybe in Dubai, where it seems she really wants to be, or Beverly Hills, where she could never be. But not in Atlanta, while Brit is traipsing around in Skims dupes from TJ Maxx.

This second outfit, at her function for nothing in particular, is more the styling I expect from her: tacky, overdressed and totally unoriginal. A facsimile of something seen on a Pinterest board in a hyper-compressed JPEG saved so many times it’s lost any discernible features.

Brit Eady

Here’s what Brit wore standing next to her, which makes the whole thing funnier. I thought this was supposed to be a classy party? Not when Brit comes skulking in, nipples hard, bob laid, cheap clutch grasped like a weapon.

Cynthia Bailey

When a woman wears a highly textured dress like Cynthia’s, I wish their glam team just took the hair up, despite any protestations from their clients. I see it every day! On red carpets, on television, at work functions. Women and Jonathan Van Ness’s hair caught in the sequins and lace on their clothing, slowly matting while the filming schedule stretches into the long hours of the night. She looks beautiful, no doubt! But I only have eyes for that hair.

Shamea Morton

Shamea’s the best dressed of the party, only because her dress actually fits, and her jewelry choices are notable enough to bear mentioning. We’ve seen a lot of these bedazzled trims trickle down from Schiaparelli and even The Row, which have both added jewelry to clothing in the absence of industrywide jewelry sales outside the Van Cleef and Arpel’s counter. I wish the trim was better aligned to the hem, but at least it’s there, I guess. The necklace also works, due to the odd link, and while I could have done without the pageant earrings, at least they’re not Kelli’s little diamond choker!

Angela Oakley

The worst thing a woman can do is buy knockoff Chanel jackets on Revolve. The second worst thing a woman can do is wear those knockoff Chanel jackets on television. The third worst thing a woman can do is have her stylist add a wet-effect look to her hair while wearing a knockoff Chanel set from Revolve on TV.

Drew Sidora

Speaking of the Van Cleef and Arpel’s counter at the local Saks, everyone please wave to Drew Sidora! She’s been here this whole time but hasn’t made enough noise for me to notice her until just now.

Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal